Andy would bicycle across town, in the rain, to bring you candy

It’s hard to be funny when it’s so hot.

I want to end every comment with a witty rejoinder or a hearty chuckle, but humidity is more potent than the world’s strongest marijuana, apathy-wise.

Even the traditionally funny is robbed of its luster. Last night, I watched Terms of Endearment and I didn’t laugh once.

In the summertime, you can’t get too mad at the heat, because it’s always there, and you know, just like visiting in-laws, it will go away eventually.

These days, I don’t get too mad at anything. It’s just too hot to waste the energy.

Besides, I know what’s going to happen. I get mad at something, I question its motives, then I question my motives, a lot of time passes, and before you know it, I just don’t care anymore and I’m not mad. Instead of going through all that angry time, I fast forward to the end and just forgive everyone right away.

It really is quite liberating.

When you hold a grudge, there’s all this revenge planning that constantly occupies your mind; plus, you always have to be wary of any blood feuds you might have going but just forgot about since none of your body parts or close family members have gone missing in a while.

If you forgive people right away, they usually don’t kidnap your family.

Of course, this doesn’t work all the time, which is why action heroes like Mad Max, Con Air, and Superman 2 have to give up their peaceful ways and once again take up the figurative sword because evil threatens their family/mass manufactured kiddie toy/Margot Kidder.

People will be nice to you if you’re nice to them; they won’t do anything really nice for you like suck your dick or give you money, but they will treat you like dirt and abuse your kindness for all it’s worth; however, if you take the high road and forgive them right away, then you have the option of having the inflated sense of righteousness and self-worth that entitles you to criticize everyone you meet.

Like most things in life, there has to be a careful attribute balance so that you stay in the comfortable area between doormat and tyrant.

Nobody wants to be dumped on and treated like a piece of sub-human garbage, but no one wants to be responsible for enforcing their will on all the sub-human garbage with which they are constantly surrounded; which is why, sometimes, you find yourself about to set fire to your neighbors’ barking dog in front of their young children and you stop yourself to make sure that you’re not being rash; or, you watch as your wife, or daughter, slips the pool guy a sawbuck, complaining that her cunt feels like it’s been attacked by hungry wolverines, and you wonder if you shouldn’t say something to the handsome stranger as he says goodbye and asks you for your wallet.

Sometimes, it’s so hard to know what to do.

That’s why, in all situations, I make sure to keep a picture of Lindsey Lohan in my pocket. Whenever I’m unsure how to proceed, I take a look at her picture and it gives me strength, because that’s what celebrities are supposed to do… they’re supposed to be role models for the rest of us.

Okay, flashing my genitals at a reporter for the Port St. Lucie News did nothing to distract him from the disembodied stripper I was feeding to that alligator, but it probably didn’t make things any worse.

There are those people who make it their business to be nasty to everyone they meet: they bring a safety pin to the pharmacy so they can poke holes in all the condoms, they write letters to television shows and complain about things that no one finds offensive, they keep buying ranch dressing.

When you meet someone who has made it their business to hate the world, the only thing you can do is enjoy their company while it lasts, because those people don’t come around as often as you might expect. There are billions of nice people in the world, but a good asshole is hard to find; so, when you find an asshole worth your time, it’s best to burrow your way in there and get a good seat, because everything is much funnier if you have a place to sit down. That’s why you never see people standing at a comedy club.

Except for the comedian, of course.

The more people you have standing together, the more their body heat will raise the temperature in a given space. You have to give them chairs to make sure that they’re spaced far enough apart because it’s hard to be funny when it’s so hot.

Sex Mahoney for President


Currently listening to:

69 Love Songs
by The Magnetic Fields